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reflections

Relationships: How do we do this? What are we doing?

2/27/2015

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By: Sadia
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In the science world, I have been taught that the most important tenet of an experiment is asking a good question. #nerdalert Alas (yes, that’s right I just used the word alas), what is life but a series of experiments? When I was twenty-one, I thought I had all the answers and, more importantly, I was asking all the right questions. But which twenty-one year-old doesn’t think that?

At the ripe old age of 21, I was introduced to someone. We thought we hit it off. We hung out, maybe twice. Our families met, and all seemed right. He liked to cook, I didn’t. He liked to work out, I liked to run. We both picked Gryffindor as our house of choice. The Sorting Hat is never wrong, right? For one reason or another (circumstances out of our control) things didn't work out. I was flabbergasted. I thought we had covered all the important, right questions. I mean, aren’t all meaningful relationships founded on the facts that both people like music and Harry Potter?

Time passed, life went on, and now I look back and think - "Sadia, what were you thinking?"  We got to "know" each other (one could even question if we ever “knew” each other) but never did we actually get to know each other. How we both came to the conclusion that we were compatible without ever having the right conversations - the one that distinguishes friendship from a true relationship - boggles my mind now.  We never made that leap. There were definitely some greater forces at work because our two lives now, seven years later, are completely different than either of us could have imagined.

This “life experiment” and some others that followed have led me to a series of questions that I am still trying to answer. What does THE right relationship entail? When does it happen? Is it something organic? Or is it something that is going to be awkward regardless, but necessary? What are the right questions to ask? How much do you need to discuss? Do you have to have all the answers before moving to the next step? How much do you leave to the "we'll grow together" aspect? The questions to me feel endless.
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When I’m in that “right relationship”, for me, I’ll let you know what it involves and when (in the context of life stages) it happens but I have been able to answer some of these other questions, at least for right now. I think relationships do happen organically. Organic does not exclude a friend set-up, meeting someone online or the like. It involves two people meeting and getting to know each other, like really know each other - sharing real experiences, raw emotions and being completely honest. Getting to know someone so that they can share the thoughts in their head, the ones that they want to share but don’t, due to fear of judgement. And it will be awkward (mostly because I <3 awkward), but not awkward as in we’re “playing games” awkward, but more like cutesy awkward where two people are trying to figure out how to navigate through this process - a process that is unique to any two individuals.

I think we each have to define our own set of “right questions.” I don’t think it’s a checklist. It’s kind of like that box on Ishqr: “Things you’d like in a significant other.” It’s a box which requires us to sit down and really evaluate what we feel is important. It helps us eliminate that “deer in the headlights” approach that is contributing to this messy marriage situation in our community. It requires us to be honest with ourselves. We have to recognize that this box is more for helping us realize what we hold valuable.

Seven years ago I could not have imagined that I would be where I am today in life. Everytime I think about “meeting someone” I wonder, how do I account for the fact that neither of us knows where either of us will be in life in 1, 3, or 5 years? Things happen, global events, family crises, perspectives change. How do I account for this when I am trying to evaluate whether this relationship "works?" Maybe that’s the “jumping in and growing together” part that is so frequently talked about.

Then there's the question of honesty and vulnerability in a relationship. Growing up in a community where our parents/elders met each other on their wedding day (or not so long before) and knowing that for them being vulnerable came after they were married seems so foreign to me. They took a leap and alhamdulillah it’s worked. How do I reconcile that with how I think things should work? (Not that they have so far, but it’s a process) I am jumpy at the thought of of letting anyone know what I do for a living - just to avoid their preconceived perceptions about my profession, and using those to define who I am as a person, as a Muslim. How do I choose who I share my full story with? (my story = the uncensored, unfiltered, raw footage of the last twenty-eight years of my life) How do I decide that I know someone well enough to be let them know me as I know me? How do we get to know someone’s else’s story, like their real story, all those experiences that make them the person that we’re falling in love with now? How do we get this courage to be vulnerable in ways that have we’ve never been taught?

For me sharing my story is a scary thought. I was raised in a world where girls and women didn’t share  their vulnerabilities with others. But for me I realized that even if I met the perfect guy tomorrow, I am not sure how comfortable I am with sharing my full story, simply because it’s scary.

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It's scary to open yourself up to someone and not know how that person will respond, and to put yourself out there with the possibility that “rejection” is an option. But I think that’s the point, I think that’s where love develops and respect deepens. When I came to this realization I also realized that I didn’t know how to do this. It’s not easy to be that honest with oneself, let alone with someone you may potentially spend the rest of your life with. 


I needed practice (it’s like yoga right?). So I decided to share parts of my story that I had kept close to my heart with others, to people who I didn’t know in different aspects of my life. And I was pleasantly surprised. While there were some reactions that validated the rationale of why doing this is so hard, I experienced something greater. An acceptance; a love that was unlike anything I’d known before. It made a place that I viewed as a transition point in my life feel like home, filled with people that took my story as just that: a series of experiences that made me the person I am today. These people became a community, my community - one for me to learn from and contribute to. Telling my story has also helped me intrinsically, to process through things, to remember to be kinder to myself. It helped me break through stereotypes that I had not recognized in my mind. It has helped me realize that I want to know the full story of everyone I meet. So until I meet “that someone” I’ll keep just keep practicing, I’ll listen to stories and share mine. 

I strongly believe that Allah (swt) has a plan for each and every one of us and that sabr is a virtue. However, I think that sabr should be practiced in the context of being “being the change we want to see” - in getting to know each other, in helping each other, initiating and contributing to conversations to build a community that strengthens our old relationships and helps us develop new ones. 

All I can say is that relationships are created during the process of community building, whether based on faith, ethnicity, profession, or hobbies; whether they start out in the real-world or in the virtual space. So let’s hang out and build our community, and good things will come. 

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MAKING SPACE FOR LOVE

2/24/2015

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By: Anisah Hashmi
Contributing Author: Abeer Minhas


I remember meeting a hakim along the path to knowing love
, who once told me that God must destroy all idols. I had come to him with a broken heart, lamenting the fact that long lasting partnerships eluded me. I harbored fantasies of what it would be like for a relationship to endure. At the same time, I allowed cruelty and neglect to pervade relationships, putting prospects on a pedestal, and I did not commit to the work that love requires. I had turned them into objects of my affection. This is how I understood that the hakim wasn't talking about worshipping golden cows. It is much easier to love the idea of someone, than to see who they are. To carry on unaware of yourself and your needs, instead of revealing vulnerability, uncertainty, and imperfection. But this is how many of us enter into relationships with each other. Whether we're searching for marriage or a fling, we don't see one another. 

We inhabit a culture obsessed with perfection, one that is simultaneously mired in prejudice and structural inequality. If a prospect does not meet our extensive standards based on class, race, or level of religiosity, we toss them aside to find another. Why settle for anything less when we have so many options? In such a culture, we turn people into objects or idols. They represent ideas that promise to improve our deen or veer us off track. They symbolize racial and cultural fetishes as well as familial expectations. When the search for love is premised on these notions, it is difficult to realize our longterm needs and to truly love each other. 

In bell hooks' groundbreaking work, All About Love, she talks about a pervading sense of love illiteracy in our culture. We mostly learn what love is from dysfunctional models in the media, from our families, and communities. Her primary concern is how love is mystified through intangible definitions and damaged by power dynamics. While many writers philosophize about love, we are not instructed on its practice. Most importantly, we aren't aware of how sexism, racism, classism and homophobia inhibit our ability to know love. 


It's hard to recognize how prejudice informs the way we pursue relationships beyond the typical racial and classist profiling of marriage prospects. We hear khateebs declare that Islam is inclusive of all races, yet this is not reflective of the reality. Many of our families have stipulations for our suitors that greatly limit our choices. They must be from the same tribe, fair-skinned, and of a certain body type. On the other hand, some only date or marry those outside the ummah stemming from community-loathing, marginalization, lack of belonging, and even fetishizing another race. But these lines are often blurred. We don't have the opportunity to explore love prospects within our community until we reach the point of settling down. This is due to a great amount of cultural shaming, gender segregation, and imbedded homophobia. For many young muslims, we learn in Islamic school that improper gender interactions are a sin. We fear having feelings in case it's a transgression against God. Inhabiting these strict homosocial spaces makes it easier to stereotype and misunderstand one another when it comes time to talk about marriage.  

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Despite knowing some of these barriers, we haven't been able to address how prejudicial attitudes hamper the practice of love in Muslim communities. This is especially the case where sexism intersects with love. We struggle to talk about sexism due to the political ramifications. Islamophobes want us to admit we have a problem, when we know most societies have a problem with misogyny, sexual violence, and other forms of violence against women. We know it's not unique to any creed or way of life. Nevertheless, knowing that this kind of racism hangs over our heads does not make it less important for us to confront our social realities, especially existing power dynamics. 

bell hooks dedicates much of her writing to exploring the intersection between power dynamics and love. She begins by pointing out gender disparities based on heterosexual relationships. Early on, girls are socialized to desire romance, to pursue longterm relationships, and cultivate themselves as marriage material. Men receive a very different education on love, which translates into inequalities at an intimate level. This idea rings true in our current state of straight relationships. Many Muslim women have confessed that they cannot find male partners who understand love as deeply as they do. Some male partners exert their power over a relationship by being emotionally unavailable, elusive, and condescending to women. In fact, these same men may admit their resistance to vulnerability. They are socialized to be the family leaders, breadwinners, and pillars of stoic strength. In this model of masculinity, men are at a disadvantage. They must fear emotional honesty in order to uphold societal expectations of manhood. As a result, this fear inhibits connection, intimacy, and honesty. 

So how do all these pieces fit together and why is it important? The way we are currently socialized does not prepare us to be real with one another. Contrary to popular belief, biodatas, CVs, and carefully crafted dating profiles are not a gateway to love. When looking for a partner, our expectations stem from fantasies and our particular socialization. I was once told by a Muslim guy who only dated white girls that I was the perfect blend of white and brown, Muslim and secular, and everything his parents wanted for him. This man did not really know me, but he thought he did based off of superficial identity markers. What's worse is how he looked to me as the solution for all his problems in the same way that men look at hijabis as tools to improve their deen. In the act of creating ideal partner checklists, we are itemizing whole human beings. Reducing them to words and identities that don't encompass their humanity. Because we do not spend time learning about love or gender dynamics until we're pressured to get married, we misunderstand and mistreat each other. Our greatest barrier on the path to love lies in the assumption that we know what it takes, when there is still much work to be done. We must smash our monumental expectations and erect new spaces for love. 

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1 year into the townhall journey: Compassion, Friends & Ingenuity

2/16/2015

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A short blog post for our readers as we gear up for another year of an incredible journey that started in 2014.  January 28th marked the first year anniversary of our first official Townhall Dialogue event (at least the version that’s been officialized since its initial inceptions).  It's hard not to feel nostalgic over this first Townhall anniversary. I distinctly remember when Aqsa talked to me about this for the very first time- brainstorming the format, talking about how we don’t know how this will all turn out and definitely not knowing at that point how frequently these events would happen throughout the year. At that point in time, it was about gathering a small group of passionate folks. What would happen from there--we didn’t know. We didn’t know who would stay involved or even who would stay in the city for future events. We certainly didn't know how it would expand.

I asked some of the organizers (past and present) to share their favorite insight and/or memory of Townhall.  Here’s a snippet of those answers. Very candid, very casual and straight from the heart - favorite memories from the past year of busting our arses to make the Townhall Dialogue Series what it is today, and to keep making it better as a reflection of the community and the community’s needs.



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Andrew Clark 
"I would say mine was the night when we all met at the Coupe (which one, am I right?) to discuss some feedback from an event. This particular evening, however, would turn to a dialogue on holding one another accountable for our commitments and the feelings that stem from broken trust. Not the happiest of moments for some of us, and perhaps awkward for others given we rarely have those direct conversations elsewhere in our lives, but I think the experience is a microcosm of what we as a community stand-for: honesty in the open, pushing ourselves to be better communicators, and a family that expects the best from each other."


Asma Mahdi
"Narratives. Every person in the Muslim community has a unique narrative - a story to learn from, a story to grow from, or a story that can truly touch the heart. Townhall has brought these stories together and provided a space for us to have a dialogue, which is essential for growth within ourselves and our community. That's what attracted me to this dynamic group of folks who sought a new space to nourish our community. As 2015 unfolds, I'm excited to see the Townhall Dialogue Series bring a new breadth of topics to light that will continue to foster this growth within the Ummah!"


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Brian Loo
"Maybe this is a silly thing, but I always think of the very, very beginning of the Townhall idea, which for me was more like two and a half years ago instead of one.  I remember back when the idea of a Townhall series---bringing the disparate members of our community into an open, safe space to talk about issues that are deeply relevant to our community but rarely talked about in public---was just a harebrained idea that a few people on the Yaro Collective board wanted to try out.  We scraped together a Townhall on critically examining the role that the hijab, as an idea, a symbol, a piece of cloth, whatever, plays in our community's narratives.  That first event was a moderate success, but nothing would have come of it if Aqsa Mahmud hadn't been there that night and decided to get involved and eventually took the initiative to get the rest of you all involved, alhamdulillah, and reincarnate our original idea as the living, breathing effort it is today.  I guess I just feel grateful that such humble beginnings have led to something that continues on so vibrantly. "



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Aqsa Mahmud
"What I will always remember from the 2014 Dialogues is one afternoon, when I met with a model speaker to prep her a few days before the event. We sat by the window of a relatively empty coffee shop--laughed some, checked in and shared ourselves. We built a bubble of comfort and vulnerability, because I was going to ask her to form the words to describe a struggling experience of her American Muslim identity.

What do you want to tell people? I asked her. What do you want to say?


And she began. Her words built an image of childhood, relayed the anxiety and tension of her experiences, and bloomed into a story of personal growth, strength and realization of herself as a Muslim. I was awestruck at the woman before me.

Afterwards, we sat in a saturated silence broken only by an elderly woman who slipped a note onto our table as she walked out the door. We were both startled until we read the note and began to understand:This stranger had overheard my friend's story and scribbled a note of compassion. 


You're young, she wrote. You're loved. The lesson of her age is to be strong. Yes, we have our stories and experiences. But there is a strength to life. So be  strong.

I'll always remember this: A stranger in a coffee shop overheard our story and recognized the core elements of our community: We're a strength and support to each other. We love, hurt, experience and support each other in the continuation of our journey."

~

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Cheers to a new year friends :) Leave your comments, share your thoughts - we want to hear from you and invite you on our journey.  Keep your eyes peeled on news to celebrate with us at our next dialogue due to be held on February 28th, 2015. 

-Fahmida Azad 


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